Frances E Jensen, Amy Ellis Nutt 的"The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults" 一书从孩子大脑发育的科学角度解释了为什么孩子会有些让家长头疼的行为。
【作者简介】黄敏 华南理工大学建筑结构学士 ,美国纽约城市大学电脑信息硕士。现在美国从事IT工作。业余时间热衷于新泽西州
Parents And Children Education Club (PCE )的志愿者工作,乐于和大家分享俱乐部13年沉淀的 EQ Parenting,即以情商为基础的教育理念。详见www.pceclub.org.
1),一定要努力(put effort and try your best) ,总结经验就行,但不要过度在乎考试成绩。
2),在现在知识更新这么快的时代,你怎样学”比你从书本学到什么更重要 (How you learn is more important than what you learn from the books)。我希望你能学到各种能力,比如时间管理能力、适合自己的学习方法、分析和解决问题的能力、有独立思考的能力、寻找资源和自学的能力等等。
我特别看重孩子是否有思考问题的习惯和方式,比如批判性思维、能打破常规。在儿子很小的时候,我就鼓励儿子thinking outside of box, coloring outside of lines 式的思维和行为。他如果对我的要求有不同意的地方,我非常鼓励儿子想清楚后给提出3个理由来说服我,如果我认为他说得有理,我可以改变我的要求;如果我不同意,我也会说出我的3个理由,以此鼓励儿子的积极大胆思考而不是被动服从。
3),我希望你有Intellectual Curiosity,对这个世界有好奇心,想去探索世界的未知,求知欲强,有终身好学精神(life long love of learning)。我希望你能在学校发现到一、二门你很感兴趣的学科,我希望你能钻进去,甚至用业余的时间在网上看更多的相关资料。我希望你在高中后期问老师的问题,老师都不一定能马上回答上来,而是说“嗯,好问题!我得想想,然后再回答你。”
另一本关于个人性格差异的书,对我了解和接受孩子性格差异有很大的帮助。这本书书名是“The way they learn” by Cynthia Ulrich Tobia. 她把人的认知能力分成四类:Concrete Sequential(CS)(具像连续型)、Abstract Sequential(AS)(抽象连续型)、Abstract Random(AR)(抽象随机型)、 Concrete Random(CR)(具象随机型)。
- Between Parent and Child,孩子,把你的手给我: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication by Dr. Haim G. Ginott and Alice Ginott
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,如何说孩子才肯听 如何听孩子才肯说
- How to Talk So Kids Will Learn 如何说孩才肯学
- Siblings without Rivalry 如何说 兄妹才能和平相处
- How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk
By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting,孩子, 你的情绪我在乎: by John Gottman (Author), Joan Declaire (Author), Daniel Goleman (Foreword)
通过经常的沟通,把一些好的做事习惯和办法教给孩子。比如儿子小的时候,我与儿子一起读“The 7 Habits Happy Kids”by Sean Covey who is the son of Stephen Covey, the author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” 。书中有“First thing first”一句话,读完书的一天,儿子从学校回来,把书包拿到厨房,边从书包掏书边口中念念有词的“First thing first”, 老妈在一旁看得又惊又喜。“The 7 Habits Happy Kids” 适合11岁以下的孩子。儿子12岁生日,我送给儿子“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teen”。 (儿子说他没看。好吧,那我也只能静等花开了)
a. 时间管理——比如在个小本子或日历上记上每项需要完成的项目,每项大概需要多少时间完成。
b. 保证睡眠——充足的睡眠让你上课精神集中,提高学习效率
c. 集中精力——20分钟集中精力做作业比花1个小时边做作业边与同伴在社交圈聊天更有效
d. 树立目标——问孩子,他们在哪方面想做得更好的?树立目标后,再帮助孩子建立一个把大目标细化为小任务的计划。
告诉孩子什么是错的不能帮助他们,但是给他们演示什么是对的却很有用。
我在【读龙应台《亲爱的安德烈》一书的读后感】中写道:我觉得需要先从自己做起,改变观念与方法,特别是对待青少年,仍旧用对小孩子的老一套是行不通的。对待青少年,需要聆听,理解和心对心的坦诚交流。Words from the heart can penetrate the heart, I truly believe that. (我坚信,从内心发出的语言最能打动别人的心。)与孩子交流是一门艺术,我们比我们的孩子成熟,按理说应比孩子们高一招才对,您说是吗?当孩子生气,您也跟着大说气说,您不是把自己降了老大一级了吗?不仅矛盾更升级,而且您的血压也升级。想想看,做这样的“亏本买卖”还真的有点对不起我们高等教育的那张纸,对不起那从生活中滚打多年积累的皱纹和白发,您说是不是这个理?
我正在读《Brainstorm - The Power And Purpose of the Teenage Brain》这本书。作者Dr. Daniel Siegel is clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine。Dr. Daniel Siegel 与有些讲青春期孩子的书不同,他不是告诉家长怎样艰苦地熬过孩子青春期这段“苦恼”的日子,相反,他认为孩子在青春期的一些表现是一个人从孩子走向成人蜕变的过程,是一个开始有独立思考能力并努力将其思想付诸于行动的过程,他们标新立异、思想活跃、喜欢冒险、勇于尝试和创新,这些特点对于一个人是否能在离开家走向独立生活有着非常重要的意义。当然他们的大脑还未发育成熟,他们容易情绪波动、考虑问题有欠周全、自控力尚在发展中,所以他们需要家长的引导和帮助。
推荐给大家一本书《E Is for Ethics: How to Talk to Kids About Morals, Values, and What Matters Most》 by Ian James Corlett. 这本书共有26篇,毎一篇都用孩子的小故事来教孩子一个道德观念,比如其中有诚实、责任、公平、尊重、信任、友好、正直、忠诚等。这本书很适合10岁以下的孩子读。儿子小的时候,我经常跟儿子读这本书,有时还会结合当天儿子的一些行为。因为这本书是以小故事的方式传递做人做事的道理,孩子更容易吸收,比我们的大道理好多了。
儿子在学校的乐器课里拉了两年的中提琴,还带他去看了他很喜欢的Piano Guys 音乐会, 他很喜欢里面的中提琴手,但最后一学期很不喜欢拉中提 琴,7年级就没继续拉了。但他很喜欢电子合成音乐,经常去YouTube 上听。儿子说他喜欢流行音乐,不喜欢古典音乐。他还迷上了跳街舞,天天回家的第 一件事就是放街舞音乐,自娱自乐地跳一会,还经常在YouTube 上看像 jabbawockeez dancing group 和 You Think You can Dance 这样的表演。儿子还在PCE 展示了自选 音乐自导自编自跳的街舞,哈哈,那股酷劲迷倒了多少女孩子,连妈妈们也都赞不绝口!
坚 毅是对长远目标的激情和坚持,坚毅是拥有持久的恒劲,坚毅是你对未来的坚持,日复一日。不是仅仅持续一个星期或者一个月,而是几年甚至几十年努力奋斗着, 让自己的梦想变为现实。坚毅是把生活当成一场马拉松而不是一次短跑。 (Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out,not just for the week, not just for the month,but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint. )
到目前为止,我所听说过的在孩子身上培养坚韧品质最有效的方法 叫“成长型思维模式。”斯坦福大学卡洛杜威克(Carol Dweck) 提出过一个观 点, 他相信人的学习能力是可变的,它随着你的努力程度而变化。杜威克教授表示,当孩子们阅读和学习有关大脑的知识以及它在面对挑战时所发生的变化和成长 情况, 他们失败之后更容易坚持下去, 因为他们不相信会一直失败下去。因此,成长性思维模式对培养毅力大有裨益。 (So far, the best idea I've heard about building grit in kids is something called "growth mindset." This is an idea developed at Stanford University by Carol Dweck, and it is the belief that the ability to learn is not fixed, that it can change with your effort. Dr. Dweck has shown that when kids read and learn about the brain and how it changes and grows in response to challenge, they're much more likely to persevere when they fail, because they don't believe that failure is a permanent condition. So growth mindset is a great idea for building grit.)
Angela Duckworth 定义的坚毅(grit)是由两个部分组成的——激情(passion) 和坚持(perseverance),缺一不可,而且动力一定是源于自身。一个孩 子如果对一件事没有激情,家长的坚持也只是外界的,这不是Angela Duckworth定义的坚毅。只有孩子自己有了激情,并对长远目标有坚持,这才是坚毅。
我把戴蒙教授的以上三点忠告也分享给了儿子。在儿子还小的时候,我就开始告诉儿子:“注意哪些事情让你感兴趣、让你好奇、给你带来愉悦。找到你的才能,用这个才能去帮助他人。 (Pay attention to what interests you. Find your talent and use your talent to help others.) 我 的这段话与戴蒙教授的三点有异曲同工之妙喔!
比如我儿子从去年起喜欢万智牌(Magic The Gathering),这是于1993年由美国数学教授理查·加菲设计,并经由威世智 (Wizards Of The Coast)公司发行的世界上第一款集换式卡牌对战游戏。每年在美国举办的万智牌大奖赛吸引了全世界的万智牌爱好者。一 年前儿子开始喜欢上了万智牌,毎天放学回家做完功课就自己玩这个牌,还看YouTube 研究别人的战略战术。周末与其他孩子一样玩这个牌。当别的家长问 起我家电子游戏的家规时,我告诉他们我家儿子星期一到星期四没有电子游戏。家长好奇地问“那他业余时间都干些什么呢?” 儿子玩万智牌就是他的业余爱好之 一啊。家长们都对孩子沉迷电子游戏很苦恼和担扰,其实能让孩子不整天迷恋电子游戏的最有力武器就是孩子还有其他的业余爱好。可惜孩子好些看视与学习、升学 和职业无关的业余爱好在萌芽期已被家长视为浪费时间而掐断了。
有次去一个家长与孩子互动的“共同成长”活动,好几个高中孩子讲出他们的心声:他们已经学习钢琴或上中文学校(或家长安排的活动)很多年了,他们希望父母能 尊重和信任他们的想法,允许他们暂时停一停,给他们一些寻找、探索的空间,也许他们会找到更吸引他们的兴趣,也许有一天他们还会拣起原来的兴趣。他们恳求 家长们:这是他们自己的生活,他们需要去figure it out(摸索)。
我认为要求孩子每天做家务也是锻炼孩子的坚持能力的渠道之一。没有人喜欢做家务,如果孩子即使不喜欢但仍然能每天坚持做家务,年复一年日复一日地下来,孩子 的责任感和执行能力就在天天强化着。我曾在“共同成长“一次讨论责任心的活动中给孩子们介绍了“Suck it up”这个概念。意思是:生活中不是每件 事情都一定是有趣的、你想做的,但你必须面对生活克服困难,过了这个坎,你就成长了。
做家务——我在儿子5岁的时寻找孩子怎样才会有内驱力时看到了Dr. 我在儿子5岁的时候在寻找孩子怎样才会有内驱力时看到了Dr. Chaffrey在 《Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve》这本书,她在书中指出,现在很多孩子缺少内驱力的三 大问题在于:
几年前,我读了《蓬勃发展:衡量成功和打造幸福、智慧、缤纷生活的第三标准》 (Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a life of Well- Being, Wisdom, and Wonder)这本书,作者阿里安娜·赫芬顿(Arianna Huffington)是《赫芬顿邮报》的创始 人、总裁和主编。赫芬顿称,我们通常以金钱和权力这两个标准来衡量成功。这可能让人陷入各种各样的麻烦,就像她在书描述的自己的一个经历,因为长期超负荷 工作,一天在办公室醒来后发现自己躺在血池中。赫芬顿意识到,幸福同样是成功的重要组成部分。赫芬顿呼吁我们所有的现代人通过放慢生活节奏、有足够的睡 眠、冥想、瑜伽、放下手中的电子产品、读几本好书等方式去真正聆听自己内心的声音。
”放弃何尝不是另一种坚持呢!” 很同意! 我告诉儿子:”Always have good fights and put all your effort before quitting.每项活动都是给自己一个探索兴趣的机会,所以在放弃任何事之前,你应该以开放积极的心态、尽你最大的努力去尝试这项活动,而不是随随便便就说不喜欢。这样的放弃才是对自己负责。
记得儿子5岁左右的时候,不知什么我限制他做的事,他很生气,就在张小纸条上写了几个字,贴在我卧室门上。我上楼看见他写的几个字是:“I will kill you(我要杀了你)!” 我把纸条拿下来,没说一句话,就当这件事没发生一样(儿子一定很纳闷,咦,妈妈看了纸条怎么没有暴跳如雷呢?)晚上我和儿子像往常一样坐在床头看书。看完书后我把那张纸条拿出来问儿子:你真是这个意思?儿子答到:“不是,只是我当时很生气。”
“妈妈知道你当时很生气” 我先用同理心接纳他的感受,然后继续说:“那我们试下还有什么其他词可以表达非常愤怒的心情。” 这其实在运用EQ Parenting 中教孩子用恰当的词语去表达情感(name your emotion)。
I realized that I made a mistake with the IPad. Cons areout weigh the pro in a big way. There is only one pro by smashing the iPad, andthat is letting out your anger. But, that only lasts for about a coupleminutes. The cons are that the iPad is no longer useable, forever, and thatlast forever.
Next time, I can stop and control my anger by counting to30 or going somewhere else, like my room, instead of acting physically first.And I can communicate with the person or people I'm angry with, too. If someonelike Patrick is annoying me, I can say something like, "Hey, David, canyou stop, it is really annoying me." And if that doesn't work, then I cango to my room after that or ignore him.
Aaron
大家假设一下,如果你孩子把iPad 砸坏了,你的第一反应是什么?你会如何处理这件事?
我们虽然并不希望这样的事经常发生,但一旦发生,我觉得这真是一个家长帮助孩子成长的一个很好的机会。正像马克·吐温曾说的“正确的判断来自于丰富的经验,而丰富的经验来自错误的判断(Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from badjudgement)。” 如果我们不让孩子犯错、走弯路,他们的正确叛断从何而来?!
我还与儿子分享了《高效能人士的7个习惯》作者史蒂芬·柯维(Stephen Covey) 的”90/10定律”——生活中的10%是由发生在你身上的事情组成,而另外的90%则是由你对所发生的事情如何反应所决定。(10% of life is made up of what happens to you…. 90% of life is decided by how you react.)
Here is the text from the article of Dr. Stephen Covey, the author of the most popular book "7 Habit of Effective People" :
Discover The 90/10 Principle.
It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations).
What is this principle?
10% of life is made up of what happens to you…. 90% of life is decided by how you react.
What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.
We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic.
We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.
How? ………. By your reaction.
You cannot control a red light. but you can control your reaction. Don’t let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.
Let’s use an example.
You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react.
You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus.
Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit.
After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.
When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.
Why? …. Because of how you reacted in the morning.
Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is “D”.
You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.
Here is what could have and should have happened.
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry.You gently say, “Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time”. Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.
Notice the difference?
Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different.
Why?
Because of how you REACTED.
You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.
Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don’t be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don’t have to let the negative comment affect you!
React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.
How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them?
WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive?
Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.
You are told you lost your job.
Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.
The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on.
Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.
Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results.
You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.
The result?
Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.